Turkey’s Revenge: Gang of Birds Terrorize Eau Claire

Every Thanksgiving, you’re sure to encounter at least one person who forcefully explains how they do not like turkey. Now, in Eau Claire, some residents may have reason to take issue with the birds beyond simple dryness.

A group of aggressive male turkeys has been harassing locals near a busy trail near the Chippewa River. Walkers and runners have been calling the police for help after being tormented by the toms.

Word of the foul poultry reached the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, which told residents that if they stood their ground, the turkeys would chicken out. Alas, these birds are built different. They just kept comin’.

One guy who was under attack tried to stand tall. He ended up kicking a turkey in the head, which only triggered the bird’s fight-or-flight response. And while turkeys can fly short distances, this one set his jaw and went at the guy harder. He ended up on the news after the encounter. The turkey presumably walked away with the respect of his peers and a higher status within the gang.

Another man who was attacked a few days later ended up in the ER with a one-inch cut on his hand and needed a tetanus shot. That was the final straw for the authorities. They decided to relocate the local toughs to someplace far from Eau Claire, where they won’t encounter people and can’t cause any more path-side chaos.

While the Drink Wisconsinbly Week in Review doesn’t condone violence of any kind, we can understand why turkeys might be fed up with humans at this point. They do take a lot of heat. We stigmatize their name, assigning it to only our worst movies; we compare their necks to that of Grandma’s; and we spent the entirety of the 1970s calling every chump and bozo that came along a “jive turkey.” Worst of all, we devour them en masse in November, and then have the audacity to complain because we can’t figure out how to cook them right.

That said, these goons did have to go. It’s for the best that they’ve been put on an extended timeout deep in the Wisconsin wilderness. There, they’ll get some time alone to think about what they’ve done. And if they still don’t see the error of their ways, they can try their bully routine on some bears and see how that works out for them.