Uphill Slaying: We’re Totally Going to Win the Keyes Peak Uphill Truck Drags

Apparently, uphill truck drag racing on snow is a thing, and it sounds kinda awesome. And, as luck would have it, you have a chance to find out for yourself next Saturday at the Keyes Peak Uphill Truck Drags in Florence.

It features seven different classes of trucks racing side by side, uphill on snow in a double-elimination tournament.

This is the 6th year of the event, which is Florence County’s largest fundraiser of the year, with proceeds benefitting Keyes Peak Ski Hill Committee, Blue Ox Trail Riders and the Florence Volunteer Fire Department. You can attend as a spectator, but you can also still enter the races if you’ve got a truck. And that gave us an idea:

We’re going to enter the freakin’ Drink Wisconsinbly Truck in the Keyes Peak Uphill Truck Drags!

Seeing as we just learned about uphill truck drag racing in the last few minutes, it should come as no surprise that the Drink Wisconsinibly Week in Review Editorial Board has no experience in uphill truck drag racing on snow. Or on dirt, for that matter. But that doesn’t seem like a reason that we wouldn’t be amazing at it. How hard could it possibly be? Like most editorial boards, we have an overly inflated belief in our ability behind the wheel. You gotta figure you just need a heavy right foot to become King of the Mountain and, as the Wisconsin State Patrol can verify, we’ve got one of those!

Now, a few simple modifications to the DW Truck are necessary if we’re going to do this right. We’ll have to get some 48-inch all-terrain tires installed, plus a big new engine with one of those shiny blower things that stick out of the hood. And, unless the Fast & Furious movie franchise has lied to us, we’re gonna want a nitrous tank, too, for the unlikely event we fall behind somehow. Race day is coming up quickly, but we have total faith that the boys down at Midas can get the job done in time.

Seems like the only thing that can ruin our truck racing dreams is the joyless Drink Wisconsinbly Board of Directors with their “sensible budgeting” and “systematic approval process.” However, with the prize money, free media coverage we’re sure to get on SportsCenter and additional exposure DW will gain with our picture on the Wheaties box, not even those stuffed shirts can say no to this idea.

Gates open at 8:00 a.m., and racing starts at 10:30. Tickets for those 13+ are $10, and kids 12 and under are free. You can learn more about the event at the Florence County website. We’ll see you in Victory Lane unless some bean-counting lame-o denies our $350,000 purchase order to trick out the DW Truck before Saturday.